But for all its wall-pounding loudness and brainless bluster, it is still a memorable jam for me. "Cherry Pie" and its musical brethren brightly reflect the days when I was that horned-up teenage boy (er, you know...), my head half-full of jagged pieces that I could feel scraping the inside of my skull whenever I so much as moved. My adolescence transpired at the height of hair metal, and so, for better or worse, it was that glammy, mascara-smeared world of ratted out hair and spandex that, at least in part, trimmed my path to adulthood.
To that end, the song is probably most memorable for its video, which one night when I was seventeen left me speechless in the break room of the McDonald’s where I worked. Someone had left the television on MTV, and that video just happened to come on while I was taking my break (back when the ‘M’ stood for music). I'm not going to lie: I sat at the break table more than a little agog as it played. The only thing that could tear me away from that hormonal trance was a co-worker, an adult, a woman, walking in for her break and taking a seat across from me. I rushed to change the channel on the television, actually jumping up from the table guiltily, as though I'd been doing something gross underneath it.
I assure you, I hadn't been, but twenty-five years later, I must say the video is still virtually impossible to turn away from. I don't think that makes me sexist or misogynistic...I think that proves I still have a heartbeat. And for my part, I should add that these days the compulsion to watch it is a little more nuanced than it was when I was seventeen.
Sometime in the mid-1990s, well into adulthood by then, I actually got into an argument with a guy over who was hotter, the chick in the Whitesnake video (Tawny Kitaen), or the chick in the "Cherry Pie" video (Bobbie Brown). A pathetic thing to waste time debating, surely, but in fairness, the debate was really about which of these video vixens was more emblematic to the times. We were drinking though, so in the end, we just dumbly distilled our arguments down to body parts, using language that probably would have turned our mothers' heads white.
But we weren't the only ones. I’ve heard this debate before, and I seem to remember it wound up on some VH-1 nostalgia show once, which makes perfect sense, because both women are emblematic to the hedonistic 80s, to the birth of image first, and certainly to the hair metal era of rock and roll I came of age in, which had to rely heavily on image, since most of the music sucked.
But now as a more mature (and more intelligent, hopefully) 40-something male, I think I’ve worked out an answer to this long-running argument that makes sense.
Of the two, in their respective video roles (and putting aside for a moment all the typical complaints some might have, that the videos are sexist, objectify women, perpetuate unrealistic standards for beauty...all that may be true, but it's a discussion for another time), Bobbie Brown is infinitely more attractive, far sexier, than Tawny Kitaen.
And it has nothing to do with her physical appearance, or the fact that she’s scantily dressed (ay, thar be the nuance!). These are factors, certainly, I won't deny it. Why would I? I DO have a heartbeat, and a penis. And I don’t think there’s anyone, male or female, who couldn’t admit they are both exceptionally beautiful women, equally 'emblematic'. Unrealistic perhaps, but representations of an ideal, all the same. Arguing over who is “hotter” in simplistic terms would seem almost fatuous.
It’s the way Brown comes across in her video that gives her the edge, and what I’d say was actually mesmerizing me in the McDonald's break room so long ago, though perhaps I didn't realize it at the time. She exudes a likability, a sweetness, that Tawny Kitaen does not. Sure, she’s hot…but the world is full of that, full of beautiful people, female and male.
I think what makes Brown wildly unforgettable is how she plays it, the whole funny girl-next-door thing she seems to have on lock. She is clearly not taking herself, or the fact that she’s hot, or the video - or the song for that matter - TOO seriously. None of them are, come to think of it, which just might make "Cherry Pie" one of the best hair metal songs, rather than worst.
Whereas Kitaen, attractive though she is, seems staged, overly poised. She makes sure she launches plenty of heady gazes in the direction of the camera, seems concerned with capturing her good side while perched in the passenger window of David Coverdale's car, and to that end seems to be carefully considering each move she makes, rather than just having fun.
I've always preferred Brown's approachable playfulness to Kitaen's contrived stares and car hood cartwheels, because at the end of the day, in the real world, among real women, what guy doesn't (or shouldn't) prefer the girl who's going to be the most fun to hang out with at Buffalo Wild Wings on a Thursday night?
The moral: sense of humor is of paramount importance. Far more important than looking like anything even close to Bobbie Brown.
"Looks so good, make a grown man cry..."
#195) "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake - Kind of the same deal as above, as far as being a hair metal jam, only "Here I Go Again" is a much better song. So much so, that the video with Tawny Kitaen was the last thing on my mind back in the day. This song's oddly heady message about self-reliance really stoked the fires of my imagination back when I thought being a loner was cool. I modeled myself after it to some extent, as I dabbed on my Clearasil each morning, donned my beret and trench coat, and headed off to school.
Laughable now, but a big deal when I was fifteen and trying to figure things out, starting with myself.
These days, I go out of my way to do the opposite, to not lose touch with friends and family (and not wear berets and trench coats). As I age, I have no interest whatsoever in being a "loner". Insofar as it's anyone's game, or should be (which is barely at all) it's definitely a young man's game...and as time passes, it's revealed to be no one's game. It stops being romantic, starts leading nowhere. Middle age has taught me that, at least.
I do, however, still have to dab on Clearasil sometimes. ;-)
"Like a drifter I was born to walk alone..."
#196) "Still of the Night" by Whitesnake - This song is great actually, no sheepishness here, whatsoever. Although the sight of John Sykes bowing his guitar in the video, seemingly being forced to do his best Jimmy Page impersonation, is pretty hilarious, the song in general rocks. Actually, I'd go so far as to say that it's among the best metal songs ever, 'hair' or otherwise.
On 1/48/50, I may just air guitar my myself into a ditch.
"In the still of the night, in the cool moonlight..."
